John Boy!

Was nigh around noon on the sixth of June
Daddy was cuttin' logs
Grandpa Zeb had made ice cream
while Esther fed the hogs
Mary Ellen rode the old gray mare
to Ike's old store in town
Momma said "Hey Ben, it's time to come in
and put that hammer down!"

[chorus]
But I gotta wait for John Boy
comin' home tonight
yeah I gotta wait for John Boy
there's gonna be a fight
come on and wait for John Boy
don't matter what momma will say
I'm gonna wait right here for John Boy
because I just hate -
John Boy!

You see John Boy's away at college now
studyin' to write a novel
and the rest of us gotta do his chores
around the Walton's hovel
So when he comes home we don't leave him alone
we even hides under his bed
and Jim-Bob says he better help out
or John Boy's gonna wish he was dead!

[Chorus]
'Cause we gonna wait for John Boy
til he gets home tonight.
We're gangin' up on John Boy
try not to get in a fight.
Save up yer chores for John Boy
Ain't gonna be a roll in the hay.
We gonna save our chores for John Boy
because we all hate -
John Boy!

Well he rolled on up the driveway fast
he was sportin' a great big smile
Welcome home there John Boy,
just come with us awhile
we got a couple of things for you
cause you think that you're so smart
collect them eggs and clean the barn
fix the wheel on that there cart
There's stalls to clean, the porch and floors
and the chicken coop's dirty too
And the outhouse is gettin' mighty full
with all that Walton poo.

Well he started in a scrubbin stuff
til we thought that he would choke
good old John Boy large as life
cleanin' and goin' for broke
We made him clean til the outhouse gleamed
and it smelled right purty too
we all lined up took turns in there
(we had also saved our poo)
By then John Boy had had enough
said he ain't gonna clean no more
so quite irate he crashed the gate
by kickin' down the door.

[Chorus]
Oh we had a laugh at John Boy
scrubbin' through the night.
saved up our chores for John Boy
It was a beautiful sight.
we got revenge on John Boy
And nothin' dared to get in our way.
Oh we worked that pansy John Boy
and made that f*cker pay
John Boy!

Deep Thought.

Is that a wiggle or your arse chewing bubblegum?

Yum Yum Bubblegum!

I didn't make this up, although I revelled with great delight in chanting it at every given opportunity in elementary school. It's short, but the best ones usually are.

Yum yum bubblegum
stick it up the teacher's bum
when it's brown take it down
yum yum bubblegum.

The Gourmet

The next batch of ditties were to be from the Mooselip Phase of my life. However, since I've had a request for a Kenny Rogers song, I'll add a modern twist to the Mooselip theme. My humble apologies to Kenny Rogers...

On a warm summer’s evenin’ in a pot in the kitchen
We was cookin' up a meal it was gonna be a treat
So we took turns a stirrin’ til our arms just about dropped off
’til hunger overtook us, and we wanted to eat.

He said, Deb, I’ve made a life out of servin' people mooselips
And knowin' if they liked it by the way they held their sides.
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of gravy.
For a taste of your ketchup I’ll give you some advice.

So I handed him my strainer and he took out a container.
Then he hummed a rhapsody and asked me for a knife.
And he started in a choppin, and he really got to hoppin'
Said if you're gonna make mooselips Deb, ya gotta learn to make 'em right.

You got to know when to heat 'em, know when to eat 'em
know when to make gravy, know when there's none
you never eat your mooselips 'til you're sittin' at the table
there'll be time enough for eatin' when the gravy's done.

Now ev’ry gourmet knows that the secret to good mooselips
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
’cause ev’ry lip’s a winner especially served with gravy,
And the best that you can hope for is to cook up a feed.

So when he’d finished speakin’, he turned back towards the window,
Crushed up some garlic and started to make gravy.
And somewhere in the darkness the gourmet found the toaster.
And in his final words I found a recipe to keep.

You got to know when to heat 'em, know when to eat 'em
know when to make gravy, know when there's none
you never eat your mooselips 'til you're sittin' at the table
there'll be time enough for eatin' when the gravy's done.

You got to know when to heat 'em, know when to eat 'em
know when to make gravy, know when there's none
you never eat your mooselips 'til you're sittin' at the table
there'll be time enough for eatin' when the gravy's done.

High School Condemnation

This one's to the tune of High School Confidential by Rough Trade. It's not politically correct because that hadn't been invented yet. If you like political correctness, you should not read the next post. In fact, you shouldn't be reading Demented Ditties at all... I take no responsibility for offense encountered or inflicted while reading Demented Ditties when you should not. Although I do apologize to Carol Pope.

She's a big fat screaming bitch
She makes my stomach retch
stomping down the corridor
You can hear her chunky wedgies click
When I see her I feel sick
the girl is ugly, she really is ugly now

She is a high school,
a high school condemnation
a high school,
a high school condemnation

Teenage retards stalk her in the halls
she grabs them by the *****
she's a combination
Godzilla, Tarzan, Elephant man
King Kong, high school condemnation

What's the principal, doing with her
who's that guy, is he puking on her
what's her perfume?
Vomit by faberge
It makes me puke my guts
when she comes my way

oh high school,
high school condemnation
high school,
high school condemnation

Foodeo Rhapsody

This piece is one of the last in the Janet series. I must begin by apologizing to Queen and Queen fans everywhere, but do you know how hard it was to write a song to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody? Of course, that didn't stop me any.

Is this a real cake?
Or is it a twinkie?
Caught in a landslide
no escape from obesity.
Open your eyes
look up to the skies and see...

I'm just a fat blob
I need no sympathy
because she's overfed, undersexed
she's depraved
she's a wreck
anyway the wind blows
doesn't really matter to her
(because she's rooted to the ground)

Mama
just killed a man
I sat upon his lap
while he was taking a nap
Mama
life had just begun
but now I've gone and crushed it all away

Mama
ooo ooo ooo
didn't mean to make him die
if I'm not back again
this time tomorrow
carry on carry on
because nothing really fills me

Too late
my diet's gone
send shivers down my spine
stomach's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody
I've got to eat
gotta leave you all behind
and eat some meat

Mama
ooo ooo ooo
I just want your pie
I sometimes wish I
never had cake at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Robin Hood, Captain Crunch
can I eat it for lunch?
chocolate cake and ice cream
very very fattening me
galliano, galliano, galliano
Greek donair, spaghettio

I'm just a fat blob
nobody loves me
she's just a fat blob from the wholesome factory
spare her this life of obesity.

easy eat easy gore
can I have some more
vanilla - no! You cannot have some more
- want some more
vanilla - you ate enough for 4
- want some more
etc
cannot have some more
no no no no no no no
oh mama mia mama mia mama mia chicken soup

beelzebub has a pickle on a bun for me
for me, for meeeeeeeee

so you think you can trick me
and eat my pie
so you think you can starve me
and leave me to die
oh baby - want your meatloaf baby
just gotta get out
hop down to the food factory...

nothing really fills me
anyone can see
it would take a barnfull
nothing but a barnfull
to fill me...

Any way the cake bakes....[cymbal clash]

P is for Pluto

Today's piece will be a poem - a limerick in fact. My gay friend was an English major, and he had a sister Janet and held occasional limerick contests just for fun. I entered demented stuff just to make him laugh. English majors are so serious.

Remember, all this is my husband's fault, so if you don't like my stuff - blame him.

And now, without further ado, I present to you my entry in the Limerick contest - P is for Pluto.

P is for Pluto
The outermost planet
it has the exact
circumference of Janet.